The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
