I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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