Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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