I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
