I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
