It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
