Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
