I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
