I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
