Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
