the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
