my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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