Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
