So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
