Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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