i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
