Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
God, I missed his penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
