i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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