I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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