Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
