The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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