this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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