The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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