Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
