Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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