Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
