I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
