How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
