My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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