i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
