if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
