Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
