Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
