is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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