You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
