3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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