so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
