She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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