I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
