I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
