i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
