Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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