I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
