I think I died a long time ago.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
