Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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