Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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