ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I cannot find my penis.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
