In the future we'll all be gay
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
