I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
