There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
