wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
