Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
