When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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