Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
