If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
