Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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